I've been thinking about the word "outsider" lately. There are zillions of ways for unique individuals to be and feel like outsiders. Perhaps we're all outsiders and that's what connects us. But the feeling can grow depending on various circumstances. When I traveled, I truly was an outsider. When I got back, I felt like an outsider in my own country. I probably still am. Wait, scratch that. I definitely am. Regardless of any travel experiences, the real way I feel I am an outsider is because of my work schedule. I am not synced in with most people who live in the eastern time zone.
As I've mentioned before, I work very unorthodox hours. I wake up between 10 and 11, get to work by 1:30, and teach until 10 pm. It's also unorthodox to teach for 8 straight hours. Most teaching days may add up to 8 hours or more, but they involve other things that I probably wouldn't want to do, like much more grading of assignments and conferences and things like that. But being with people so much so often can take its toll on one's energy levels. When I'm in class, I feed on the energy of the people there with me. But by the seventh hour, I'm struggling to stay up, and when I get home, I am almost always praying for some rallying energy so I can accomplish something. I still write, but not as well as I would like.
I admit that being tired doesn't make me an outsider. I think that makes me normal. But by 10 pm, most people I know are either getting ready for bed or already in bed, so contacting people I know, let alone seeing them, is usually out of the question. By the time the weekend comes, I'm so desperate to catch up on rest that I haven't even gotten out of bed until the day is already well under way for most people. It also makes it hard to get out of town on a day trip, such as hiking. That said, I had managed to get out on some adventures many weekends in a row until recently, so that's probably why I'm more tired now.
Today I could have gone to a barbecue an hour away in Bushwick, where I had a disenchanting living experience a decade ago, but I've decided to be antisocial. I'm in front of groups of people for 36 hours a week, and 38 if you count private lessons. I've spent quality time with close friends the past two weekends, so I don't really feel inclined to go be with fellow teachers and even a few current students since that consumes five days of my week as it is. They're great people, and perhaps a different weekend I would go for something like that, but if I can enjoy a Sunday where I'm not stuck in traffic on the way back to the city, Sunday is the last day I want to spend an hour or more on the New York City subway. Last weekend I went to Jersey City to have a great time with friends, but it took 2 hours instead of 1 to get there, and that was before some jerk put a bomb in a dumpster on 23rd street.
I've wanted to write more publicly recently, but all I could write about my life is that I'm stressed. I think I had a good string of fun adventures (I'll write about them soon) and material luck in August, and then it's just been stress stress stress since then. I created a list of everything stressing me in hopes of releasing some of it, and it was very long, and that helped me forgive myself for being so tired. Looking at that list, I've decided many things have to change, and they will soon.
I recently thought my schedule was going to change, against my will. I've been teaching advanced classes in the afternoon for about 9 months now, for which I am very thankful. The past two months I would go from there to teach another pretty advanced class at 6, which made me really happy because they'd been giving me level 2 and level 3 for half a year until then. But after that I had a level 2, and there were only 4 students in the class, and on most days, that meant only 2 students. So much for feeding off the energy of all the people in the classroom. I liked the students and gave them what I could, but it was hard to keep my head up at that point. So I was hardly delighted to find out that they were giving me the exact same class for this session, which they almost never do.
The reasoning was that they probably weren't going to keep it going due to the lack of students, and due to rotation fairness, it would be my turn to lose a class if there weren't enough students. Fair enough, I thought. If anything, I could really use a 6 hour day, and then I could be much more productive at writing. It seemed very unlikely I would get 9 students, since I only had 2 from the other class sign up to continue. So I ran some budget numbers and reconciled myself to having less income but more time (a recipe for bliss, according to Campbell). Sure enough, the first day we have 8 students, including a student who'd said before that she couldn't continue, and then a guy named Mohamed Ali shows up on Wednesday. 9 students. Class continues. I like them. They smile and laugh at my jokes. This larger class gives me more energy, but only as long as class goes. After that, there isn't much left in the tank.
Thus, I'm going to take my second week of vacation in mid-October, and use it to catch up on sleep and send pieces for publications and proposals for books to whomever just might not ignore them. For all of my standing on the dock metaphors from a year ago, I've learned a lot and grown as a human being, but now teaching feels like I'm going around in circles, especially with the repetitive level 2 and 3 stuff.
So that's why I'm not going to Brooklyn and I'm going to walk around the park, which is much closer. I've already socialized this weekend, and I have plans with good people the next two weekends.
On Friday's I meet with a Brazilian student, a guy who works on smartphone apps, and we have a private lesson somewhere in public. Usually I read something he's written and edit it for him, but this time he just wanted to have a conversation, and we went for a few hours. We discussed socializing, social media, being antisocial, and so on. He's got a long time girlfriend, so they're more of the stay-in on the weekend type anyway. I'm a mix. This exact time of year sometimes kind of gets to me because the 22nd and 23rd are back to back birthdays for the top two women from my past that I'd fallen in love with but who didn't fall in love with me. I usually have positive reflections and look at the good side, but with all the stress it was kind of hard not to get down about it. Having someone to talk to outside a classroom setting and outside a large party setting was very helpful.
Before the weekend, I sometimes want a daring adventure, or lots of people to talk to, but more often than not, since I've already had plenty of wild adventures and talked to lots and lots and lots of people, I usually wish to be completely left alone so I can rest in my room or walk around uninhibited, free to go where I please. As I said before, the latter wouldn't be so forgivable if I didn't spend all week giving myself to other people. If I don't recharge with solitude on the weekend, it's really difficult to make it through work.
All I'm really saying here is I'm still on the case. I'm just gathering my bearings. But first I should go outside
As I've mentioned before, I work very unorthodox hours. I wake up between 10 and 11, get to work by 1:30, and teach until 10 pm. It's also unorthodox to teach for 8 straight hours. Most teaching days may add up to 8 hours or more, but they involve other things that I probably wouldn't want to do, like much more grading of assignments and conferences and things like that. But being with people so much so often can take its toll on one's energy levels. When I'm in class, I feed on the energy of the people there with me. But by the seventh hour, I'm struggling to stay up, and when I get home, I am almost always praying for some rallying energy so I can accomplish something. I still write, but not as well as I would like.
I admit that being tired doesn't make me an outsider. I think that makes me normal. But by 10 pm, most people I know are either getting ready for bed or already in bed, so contacting people I know, let alone seeing them, is usually out of the question. By the time the weekend comes, I'm so desperate to catch up on rest that I haven't even gotten out of bed until the day is already well under way for most people. It also makes it hard to get out of town on a day trip, such as hiking. That said, I had managed to get out on some adventures many weekends in a row until recently, so that's probably why I'm more tired now.
Today I could have gone to a barbecue an hour away in Bushwick, where I had a disenchanting living experience a decade ago, but I've decided to be antisocial. I'm in front of groups of people for 36 hours a week, and 38 if you count private lessons. I've spent quality time with close friends the past two weekends, so I don't really feel inclined to go be with fellow teachers and even a few current students since that consumes five days of my week as it is. They're great people, and perhaps a different weekend I would go for something like that, but if I can enjoy a Sunday where I'm not stuck in traffic on the way back to the city, Sunday is the last day I want to spend an hour or more on the New York City subway. Last weekend I went to Jersey City to have a great time with friends, but it took 2 hours instead of 1 to get there, and that was before some jerk put a bomb in a dumpster on 23rd street.
I've wanted to write more publicly recently, but all I could write about my life is that I'm stressed. I think I had a good string of fun adventures (I'll write about them soon) and material luck in August, and then it's just been stress stress stress since then. I created a list of everything stressing me in hopes of releasing some of it, and it was very long, and that helped me forgive myself for being so tired. Looking at that list, I've decided many things have to change, and they will soon.
I recently thought my schedule was going to change, against my will. I've been teaching advanced classes in the afternoon for about 9 months now, for which I am very thankful. The past two months I would go from there to teach another pretty advanced class at 6, which made me really happy because they'd been giving me level 2 and level 3 for half a year until then. But after that I had a level 2, and there were only 4 students in the class, and on most days, that meant only 2 students. So much for feeding off the energy of all the people in the classroom. I liked the students and gave them what I could, but it was hard to keep my head up at that point. So I was hardly delighted to find out that they were giving me the exact same class for this session, which they almost never do.
The reasoning was that they probably weren't going to keep it going due to the lack of students, and due to rotation fairness, it would be my turn to lose a class if there weren't enough students. Fair enough, I thought. If anything, I could really use a 6 hour day, and then I could be much more productive at writing. It seemed very unlikely I would get 9 students, since I only had 2 from the other class sign up to continue. So I ran some budget numbers and reconciled myself to having less income but more time (a recipe for bliss, according to Campbell). Sure enough, the first day we have 8 students, including a student who'd said before that she couldn't continue, and then a guy named Mohamed Ali shows up on Wednesday. 9 students. Class continues. I like them. They smile and laugh at my jokes. This larger class gives me more energy, but only as long as class goes. After that, there isn't much left in the tank.
Thus, I'm going to take my second week of vacation in mid-October, and use it to catch up on sleep and send pieces for publications and proposals for books to whomever just might not ignore them. For all of my standing on the dock metaphors from a year ago, I've learned a lot and grown as a human being, but now teaching feels like I'm going around in circles, especially with the repetitive level 2 and 3 stuff.
So that's why I'm not going to Brooklyn and I'm going to walk around the park, which is much closer. I've already socialized this weekend, and I have plans with good people the next two weekends.
On Friday's I meet with a Brazilian student, a guy who works on smartphone apps, and we have a private lesson somewhere in public. Usually I read something he's written and edit it for him, but this time he just wanted to have a conversation, and we went for a few hours. We discussed socializing, social media, being antisocial, and so on. He's got a long time girlfriend, so they're more of the stay-in on the weekend type anyway. I'm a mix. This exact time of year sometimes kind of gets to me because the 22nd and 23rd are back to back birthdays for the top two women from my past that I'd fallen in love with but who didn't fall in love with me. I usually have positive reflections and look at the good side, but with all the stress it was kind of hard not to get down about it. Having someone to talk to outside a classroom setting and outside a large party setting was very helpful.
Before the weekend, I sometimes want a daring adventure, or lots of people to talk to, but more often than not, since I've already had plenty of wild adventures and talked to lots and lots and lots of people, I usually wish to be completely left alone so I can rest in my room or walk around uninhibited, free to go where I please. As I said before, the latter wouldn't be so forgivable if I didn't spend all week giving myself to other people. If I don't recharge with solitude on the weekend, it's really difficult to make it through work.
All I'm really saying here is I'm still on the case. I'm just gathering my bearings. But first I should go outside
